This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
