Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
