I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
