Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
