What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
