why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Randomize
