highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
