Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
