someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
