I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
