I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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