i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
