Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it