I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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