Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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