Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Randomize
