I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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