Screwed.edu
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
