He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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