Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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