Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
