hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
