Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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