If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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