When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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