trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
