He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize