Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize