Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
