awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
soo... how was my night?
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