I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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