The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
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She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
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If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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