Your face is a jimmy john
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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