It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
