I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
