Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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