Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
