after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
