He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
