you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
