I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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