if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
