RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
