you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
