I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
