thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
