wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
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You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
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We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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