Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
