Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
