i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
