I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
