Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
