Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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