I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
