Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
ttyl tear gas
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
