a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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