she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
