Don't you send me to vm
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
